Squire 6

(All the PIRATES, together with the WI PIRATES, MUM HAWKINS, JIM HAWKINS, JENNY and SQUIRE TRELAWNEY are revealed. LONG JOHN SILVER has a parrot on his shoulder. Rousing, sea going NUMBER, at the end of which the SQUIRE is centre.)

SILVER.  Three cheers for the Squire and the good ship Hispaniola! Hip, hip… (ALL cheer )And now, Squire, I’m afraid to tell you that the whole crew has decided to mutiny! Grab ‘em, me hearties!! (THE FRIDGE grabs the SQUIRE.)JIM.  Let me go! MUM.  What’s going on? SILVER.  Nothing personal, but this is a pirate ship now - and we want to take the treasure for ourselves! So hand over the map and maybe we’ll go easy on you! MUM.   I’ll do no such thing! SILVER.  Blood Boiler, Gizzard Slitter – get the map! BLOOD B.  We can’t go jiggling about in there! MUM.  Jiggling about!?GIZZARD S.  That’s ladies’ business, Captain. SILVER.  Don’t be such a pair of wusses!

SILVER.  Oooh, must you?! Any more chat and I’ll have you walking the plank before you can say Jack Robinson! JENNY.  You can’t make the Squire walk the plank! SILVER.  Oh, no? Who says, I can’t? I thought you were the roughest toughest seadog in town – but maybe I was mistaken. Maybe you aren’t quite what you seem! (Whips off her moustache.) Well, well, well… I’m surprised at you Squire – allowing your daughter to come on a dangerous trip like this!

JENNY.  I’m sorry, father! SILVER. Now, any more nonsense and she goes over the side!...……….MRS H.  Now, just a moment, Mr Silver. SILVER.  What is it now? MRS H.  A pirate ship this may be, but we can’t afford to ignore health and safety. SILVER.  What? MRS H.  Walking the plank is inherently dangerous. People could be killed. SILVER.  Yes, I know – that’s the whole point! DORIS. You can’t kill her, she’s only a girl! MUM.  What about me and my boy?

DORIS.  You’re not girls. ……….SILVER.  Yes, I know it’s dangerous!! MRS H.  Well, you can’t do it then. SILVER.  Gizzard Slitter, Blood Boiler and Fridge – run out the plank!FRIDGE.  (torn) We don’t want to upset the Ladies. GIZZARD S.  They don’t think it’s right, Captain. SILVER.  Alright, alright – just to keep the Ladies happy – we’ll set all four of them adrift. MUM.  With water and provisions, so it’s not dangerous. SILVER.  Maybe you’d like cake!

DORIS.  Hang on a moment…SILVER.  What now?!…….
 (Loud rumble of thunder.) But thunder never hurt anybody. It could be worse - there could be storm force wind! (A large fart is heard. EVERYONE looks at MRS PARKER.) MRS P.  Sorry. MUM.  Nevermind, it could all be a lot worse – there could be lightning! (Huge flash and clap of lightning.) SILVER.  Yes, alright, alright, we get the idea – now over the side and into the boat.MUM.  (making to exit) Oh, well, it could still be worse.SILVER.  Will you shut up!

SILVER.  (shouting after him) I said, shut up! (Hurricane winds and general storm noises. Light flickers on and off. EVERYONE rushes from one side to the other side as the Ship is repeatedly buffeted by the storm.)

BLOOD B.  (at the wheel) Captain! There’s hurricanes and waves the size of houses – and this one’s going to catch us!!!GIZZARD S.  It’s a monster! SILVER.  You’re right. (Shouting) Hold tight, everybody! We’re going to ride the wave, we’re going to surf our way in to Treasure Island!!!!!