Squire (3)

  1. Mrs Henderson;We all know of the Squire’s long held love for a bit of spotted dick, but I wonder how many of you are familiar with the full extent of his wide ranging and epicurean taste for cake and crumb – from the humble Dorset Knob, to the robust and sturdy Bedfordshire Clanger? We are indeed fortunate to have such an expert and knowledgeable judge for our annual cake baking competition!
    • Thank you, Mrs Henderson -
    • Ladies.
    • Well, you know me,
    • I do like a nice bit of cake.
  2. MRS B.  You’re always up for a nibble, Squire.
    • I am indeed,
    • Mrs Battersby.
  3. MRS S.  Do you remember my Brown Betties, Squire?
    • Who could forget your Brown Betties,
    • Mrs Snook –
    • or indeed your equally persuasive
    • ladies’ fingers!
  4. MRS S.  (delightedly) Oh, Squire!
    MRS H.  Well, moving on -
    They were quite a handful!
  5. MRS H.  As I said, moving -MUM.  (off) Coo-ee!MRS H.  (turning gratefully) Ah, Mrs Hawkins! MUM.  Mrs Henderson! MRS H.  Have you brought a late entry for our cake MRS H.baking competition? MUM.  I’m afraid not. (Produces a bottle.) But I have brought a bottle of my ultra-special, one hundred and forty four percent proof - ladies’ pirate rum… (All the LADIES become very interested.) MRS H.  Oh, really? MUM.  I was hoping for the considered opinion of the Ladies of the Smuggler’s Cove WI…MRS H.  Well, I suppose we could suspend the proceedings for just a brief – Ladies, please… Wait for me!
    • (MUM takes the SQUIRE and JENNY down stage.)
    • What is it, Mrs Hawkins?
  6. MUM.   (delving in her bust) Have a look at this!
    Oh, I say!
  7. JENNY.  (bashing his arm) Father!
    MUM.   (producing map) Look!
    It’s a map.
  8. JENNY.  It’s a treasure map – look, X marks the spot!MUM.  It’s a passport to untold wealth! We just need to pop over to the Caribbean and get it.
  9. MUM.  In your ship, the Hispaniola, that’s how! Take us there and I’ll offer you half the treasure and all the spotted dick you can eat!
    All the spotted dick I can eat?
  10. MUM.  And half the treasure!
    JENNY.  Oh, father, say yes!!!
  11. M & J.  (triumphantly) Yes!!!!
  12. MUM.  You won’t regret it, Squire! (Stuffs map back down her bust.)JENNY.  It will be a wonderful adventure. I must buy a new swim suit!
    • What?
    • Now hang on just a moment.
    • Sailing off to the other side of the world is one thing –
    • but not with you, Jennifer.
    • You’re a young lady!
    • It’s not the sort of thing ladies do!
  13. JENNY.  Mrs Hawkins is a lady
    She’s a - different sort of lady!
  14. MUM.  Well, really!
    • You can’t go.
    • I won’t permit it!
  15. JENNY.  And is that your final word?
    It is!
  16. JENNY.  Then you can jolly well judge the cake baking competition on your own!

    (As JENNY starts to exit, LONG JOHN SILVER, GIZZARD SLITTER, BLOOD BOILER and THE FRIDGE enter dressed as women.)

  17. JENNY.  (exiting angrily) Oh, get out of my way!
  18. MRS H.  The Fridge?FRIDGE.  Yeah - and I’m a lady.MRS H.  A lady? Oh, I see - Lady Fridge! Do forgive me. (To MRS CARTER-BROWN.) Daphne, fetch a chair for Lady Fridge! (excitedly)
    Squire Trelawney, it’s Lady Fridge!
    Lady... Fridge!

  19. FRIDGE.  (producing it) And I’ve got a tin of tomato soup.MRS S.  That’s not a cake.FRIDGE.  Yes, it is.MRS H.  Of course, it is!FRIDGE.  (aggressively to MRS SNOOK) See!?MRS H.  Well, Squire. It’s judgement time. I had thought my angel cake might carry the day, but now I’m not so sure!
    • What?
    • Oh. Yes, of course.
    • Well, let me see.
    • As always, the standard has been very high.
    • But this year,
    • third prize goes to Mrs Carter-Brown, for her delightful pair of Battenbergs!
  20. MRS C B.  Oh, Squire! You can have a nibble whenever you want.
    I’m sure I will, Mrs Carter-Brown
  21. MRS C B.  Maybe Wednesday?
    MRS H. Daphne!
    • And second prize goes to you,
    • Mrs Henderson, for an angel cake
    • which is almost beyond compare.
  22. MRS H.  Oh, Squire!
    Deserved as always, Mrs Henderson
  23. FRIDGE.  It’s a fix!
    FRIDGE,BB & GS. Fix! Fix! Fix....!
    • But this year,
    • I’m sure you’ll all agree with me
    • that first prize absolutely must go to
    • Lady Fridge!
  24. FRIDGE.  Eh?
    For her delicious tin of tomato soup!
  25. FRIDGE.  Have I won? (Polite applause. THE FRIDGE preens.) Thank you very much. BLOOD B.  (aside to SILVER) What about us? We brought cakes. SILVER.  (aside) Shut your faces. We’re here to get the map!
    MRS H.  Thank you so much, Squire. And let me be the first to congratulate Lady Fridge – it’s been fascinating to observe her culinary skills at close quarters.
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Squire (3)