What are four general complaints people have about their partner that leads to breakups?
- 1. Faults with the other person = too many negative qualities
- 2. Refusals to compromise for the good of the relationship = partner cannot be influenced to change faults or add rewarding behaviors
- 3. Constraints = too many demands by the partner, boredom, lack of freedom, too much effort/work
- 4. Miscellaneous = reason that didn't fit with other categories
What is the divorce rate for first marriages?
40% - 50%
Is the divorce rate for second marriages higher or lower than first time marriages?
What are three dimensions of termination strategies?
- self/other orientation
What is Gottman's Cascade Model of divorce?
1. Begins with behavior and a negative perception of it
2. Physiological responses
3. Flooding and negative sentiment
4. Recasting history of marriage and considering alternatives (separating and thinking about divorce)
5. Distance and Isolation
What is each of the RASA elements of Treasure's acronym for effective listening?
Receive, appreciate, summarize, ask
What kind of termination strategy is used when both people within the relationship decide to terminate it?
What kind of termination strategy is used when one person decides to terminate it?
What kind of termination strategy would most likely say "We're breaking up"?
What kind of termination strategy would most likely say "It's not you, it's me" ?
What kind of termination strategy focuses more on the other person and not hurting his/her feelings?
What kind of termination strategy focuses more on the person initiating the break-up and getting out of the relationship?
What are some behaviors associated with communication of distance?
avoidance - no longer talking like friends, no compliments or admiration, understanding decreases
What are some behaviors associated with communication of dissociation?
- emphasizing individuality
- no longer using pet names or shortcuts
- showing interest in activities that deviates from relationship norms
- diverging from normal communication/behavioral routines
How is the approval of friends and family related to the long term stability of a relationship?
the more support you have is the more stable it will be
Are relationships influenced by both positive and negative approvals?
What is the difference between dynamic and static categories?
Static categories don't change once married, but dynamic ones can be worked on and are high divorce predictors
What are examples of static factors?
- Personality factors
- Parental divorce
- Religious dissimilarity
- Previous divorce
- Young age at marriage
- Economic status
- Major health issues
What are examples of dynamic factors?
- Four horsemen
- Unrealistic expectations
- Substance abuse
- Communication skill
- Commitment and motivation
What is the four horsemen of apocalypse of marriage? Describe each.
- Criticism: attack on character
- Defensiveness: it's not my fault, blaming on the other
- Stonewalling: withdrawing not engaging
- Contempt: burning hatred
Which is the worst of the four horsemen of apocalypse of marriage?
What is the ratio of positive to negative behaviors in couples who stay together and those who divorce?
20 to 1 in happy couples and about 8 to 1 in couples soon to divorce
According to John Gottman, what do couples fight about?
- new babies
According to John Gottman, are wives or husbands more likely to stonewall?
Why do people use termination accounts post-breakup?
- 1. it allows them to reduce or eliminate uncertainty and ambiguity that follows break ups...seek clarity and understanding
- 2. it fulfulls the "social presentational" function that protects or enhances the individuals self esteem
- 2. it is a vehicle for emotional release
What is the fifth horseman? Define it.
Belligerence - when someone expresses their anger in an aggressive, threatening way
What are termination accounts?
Accounts are explanatory scripts that present the plot, introduce the characters and tell the "why" of the breakup
What hormones are related to infidelity?
vasopressin and dopamine
How does income relate to a male's likelihood of cheating?
if the man makes significantly more or less, he is more likely to cheat
What role does similarity play in chances of a couple staying together?
- "birds of a feather flock together"
- You're more likely to stay together because you have more common ground
What are communication behaviors related to preventing divorce?
- Soften the start up - communicate complaints in a respectful manner; express needs without criticizing your partner
- Tell your partner what you want, rather than what you don't want
- Listen for statements of need and respond with open ended questions
- Accept your partner's emotional bias - reciprocate positivity even when they aren't in the best mood
- Express appreciation
- Repair conversations - diffuse negativity by apologizing, smiling, or making a funny comment
- Establish rituals for connection - set aside time to be together alone as a couple
- Accept influence - marriages are happier when husbands are willing to listen and be influenced by their wives
How do factors such as alcohol, pain, heat, severe cold, crowded conditions, and depression influence conflict instigation?
these conditions are associated with anger-like behavior, which can in turn be identified as an invitation to a conflict
Under what conditions are people most likely to confront a conflict interaction?
- being under the influence
- being under negative emotions
- environmental and simulators
Under what conditions are people most likely to avoid a conflict interaction?
positive moods and certain mood disorders
Which part of the brain is activated when experiencing negative emotions?
Under what conditions are people more likely to compete in a conflict interaction?
- desire for control over conflict outcome or degrade the partner
- withdrawal from relationships
Can direct and indirect approaches can be used together?
Under what conditions is a person more likely to cooperate in a conflict interaction?
- wanting to negotiate more
- trying to alleviate issues with denial or avoidance
What are the four general conflict strategies that are in the DINN of conflict?
- direct fighting
- indirect fighting
- negotiation tactics
What are strategies for improving conflict discussed in class?
- decide whether to confront or avoid
- complain but don't criticize
- focus on interests/goals rather than positions
- don't mix issues, solve one problem at a time
- When you're wrong admit it, and when you're right shut up
What advice did the professor give if your partner confronts you?
- Don't counter attack
- Admit the possibility that you are wrong
- Admit your responsibility when you're wrong (avoid defensiveness)
- Agree in principle with other's feelings when possible
- Call time-out if the discussion gets to heated
- Apologize even if you don't think it was your fault
Why are aversive conflict behaviors harmful to relationships?
- 1. emotional flooding
- 2. attribute negative intent to our partner
- 3. project negative outcomes in the future
- 4. either attacks face directly or disconfirms our identity by attacking face
What is it called when we are overwhelmed with negative thinking about the partner, changes the way we think about the relationship when repeated over time?
What is it called when we don't get what we want and we blame our partner for intentionally preventing positive outcomes?
Attribution of negative intent to our partner
What are the attributional styles of distressed couples?
More likely to attribute their partner's behaviors to situational causes, assume that the causes are unstable and unlikely to be repeated, the good things their partners did was accidental and with more negative than positive intent
What are the attributional styles of nondistressed couples?
attribute partner's behaviors to internal dispositional causes, will be stable over time and golablly influential in a varity of marital situations, attribute negative behaviors to external circumstances or a temmporary state.
According to Julie Gottman, what are the behaviors that successful couples use in confronting a partner about a conflict issue?
- 1. Always start with "I" + feeling
- 2. About what (the facts)
- 3. Said what they needed
describe themselves and then describe the situation
What is the difference between persuasion and coercion?
coercion is involuntary whereas persuasion and compliance are voluntary
What is the "foot in the door" compliance gaining tactic?
- time in between
- ask for a small favor that is likely to be accepted, and then ask for a larger favor
Why does the "foot in the door" compliance gaining tactic work?
people don't want to appear to be inconsistent
What is the "door in the face" compliance gaining tactic?
- within one conversation
- begin with an extreme request that is almost always rejected then retreat to a more moderate request (which you planned all along)
What is the "low ball" tactic?
obtain commitment to an action then increase the cost of completing it
What tactic would a salesman be most likely to use?
low ball tactic
Why does the "low ball" tactic work?
People want to seem consistent
What is the "that's not all" tactic?
persuader makes an offer but before the person of interest can make a decision, the persuader throws something else into the deal to make it seem better
Why does the "that's not all" tactic work?
the offer seems more attractive
What are the basic principles of compliance?
- Anchor and contrast effects
- Social Validation
What basic principle of compliance has to do with credibility?
What basic principle of compliance has to do with opportunities are seen as more vulnerable when there are less of them?
What basic principle of compliance has to do with our tendency to see an action as more appropriate when we see others doing it?
What basic principle of compliance has to do with the pressure to conform?
What is the persuasive effect of physical attractiveness?
- more physically attractive people are more likely to gain compliance from others
- signify credibility and status
What is the indebtedness theory?
- when we owe someone something we are more likely to comply
- help those who have helped us
What is the perceptual contrast theory?
- when making decision we are more prone to the decision item with the reference
- compared with the first item, the second request seems much more reasonable
What is the self-presentation theory?
assumes our behaviors aim to create desired impressions
What are the five sources of social powers underlying? (as described by French and Raven)
- Reward Power
- Coercive Power
- Expert Power
- Legitimate Power
- Referent Power
Which of the five sources of social power has to do with being admired or respected?
Which of the five sources of power has to do with one's official rank or formal standing?
Which of the five sources of power has to do with expertise or competence?
Which of the five sources of power has to do with the ability to inflict punishments or impose penalties on others?
Which of the five sources of power has to do with the ability to confer benefits on others?
How do compliance-gaining strategies impact positive face?
can convey disapproval
How do compliance-gaining strategies impact negative face?
can constrain the others freedom or autonomy
What is positive face?
the desire for approval
What is negative face?
- the need to be free from obligation or imposition
- freedom to choose for oneself
What is the "disrupt-then-reframe" (DTR) strategies of compliance gaining?
strategy to reduce resistance by using non-sequitur
Why is "Would you like to buy a raffle ticket for $3? That's 300 pennies, what a bargain!" a DTR strategy?
- 300 pennies disrupts the thought process by reducing resistance
- "what a bargain" reframes and redirects attention to positive features of request
"even-a-few-minutes-help" prove that
verbal strategies are ineffective
Which nonverbal cues influence compliance gaining attempts?
- eye contact
Which nonverbal cue tends to elicit a more favorable impression of the requester?
Which nonverbal behavior increases target's willingness to participate?
direct eye contact
What are the main features of the Goals-Plans-Action theory of message production? Which are external or internal?
- Goals are future states of affairs that an individual is committed to achieving or maintaining (Motivate Plans; internal)
- Plans are cognitive representation of the behaviors that are intended to enable goal attainment (internal)
- Actions are the behaviors enacted in an effort to realize a goal (external)
How do primary goals influence compliance messages?
primary goals are the catalysts for compliance gaining
How do secondary goals influence compliance messages?
secondary goals shape the approach used
What is each of the RASA elements of Treasure's acronym for effective listening?
- Receive - pay attention to the person
- Appreciate - making little noises
- Summarize - the word 'so' is important
- Ask - ask questions afterwards
What are five ways Treasure identifies improving listening?
- mixer (take in noises around you)
- savoring (smaller more mundane sounds)
- listening positions
- RASA acronym
What are the barriers Treasure discusses in becoming a conscious listener?
- inventing ways of 8 recording
- the world is so noisy
- we are becoming impatient
How does Julian Treasure define listening?
making meaning from sound, a mental process of extraction
What are each of the EMPATHY elements in Helen Riess's approach to teaching
- E- eye contact/gaze
- M - muscles of facial expressions ... we read facial emotions
- P- posture .. conveys connection
- A- affect ... expressed emotions naming the feelings
- T- tone of voice
- H - hearing the whole person .. don't judge, keep curiosity open
- Y - your response .. respond to people's feelings ... we mirror each others feelings
What are the different listening positions?
- active listening .. "what I hear you say is..."
- passive listening (not interpreting anything)
- critical listening (do I agree or do I disagree)
- empathetic listening (letting people not just feel heard, but feel understood)
- reductive listening (there is an objective for a conversation)
- expansive listening (enjoying the journey.. more eye contact)
What is emotional support?
- the things people do that make us feel loved or cared for, that bolster your sense of self-worth
- communicated through verbal and nonverbal communication
What is instrumental support?
tangible help that others may provide
What is the term usually used to describe the communication of emotional support?
How is a person-centeredness defined in the reading assignment?
messages reflect an awareness of and an adaption to the subjective, effective and relational aspects of communication
What are the gender differences in sending and receiving person-centered comforting
women have higher level messages
Why do men receive lower levels of person-centered messages than females?
How does response efficacy influence people's perceptions of advice giving?
when perceived to be high, recipients rate the advice more favorably, feel better, able to cope, and are more likely to implement action
What is response efficacy?
our belief that a certain action will actually be effective
How does reappraisal work in supportive communication?
It reduces emotional distress when it encourages recipients to produce detailed, emotion focused narrative about their problems
What is invisible support, and how does it help someone in distress?