Holmes

H. Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I presume?

H.. It was the great detective himself I wanted to see. I hear of Sherlock, everywhere. But I've often thought that with my age and experience, I could do as well in the science of deduction.

• H..You served as an army surgeon, in Afghanistan I perceive. But now you are settled in London. You have just returned from a house call to one of your patients. Distracted by that banana, you did not realize that an intruder has invaded  these rooms.

H.. Elementary, my dear Watson.

H..  Watson, turn down the lights. Don't say a word.  The adult miniature mamba.

H.. I have no wish to involve you in this affair.

H..  I foiled a robbery at the Louvre in Paris. The Museum gave me that canvas as a token of their gratitude.

H.. No, but it is worth at least half a dozen.

H.. The Frenchman, Jacques Blaisé.

H.. It's a forgery of course.  Let me explain. This imitation saved several Rembrandts from being stolen by a gang of art thieves. I used that forgery as bait. And thus the thieves were lured right into the hands of the Paris Police Force ... Back to the zoo you go, old boy.

H.. Alas, the leader of the gang eluded me. He's back in London. Sitting like a spider in the center of his web. I tell you Watson, frauds have made their way into the British Museum.

H.. My older brother Mycroft put one there himself.

H.. Yes he can. He’s a diplomat.  You see, many years ago, We stole a statue from Greece. There was a quarrel, which led to a settlement. We would return the statue back to Greece if, the they would give us a very good reproduction.

H.. Quite, except, the original was never on display at the British Museum. It was a counterfeit that the people would see. As I told you, my brother Mycroft placed the it there himself.

H.. It was sitting in my brother’s office in London.

H.. Because it was the counterfeit in the Museum that we kindly surrendered to the Greeks.

H.. Yes.

H.. Mycroft put it back in the British Museum.

H.. You've got it, Watson.

H.. It's sitting across from my Brother's desk, at the Foreign Office. No one there can tell the difference.

H.. I told you, it's diplomacy.

H.. You forget, Watson, that Scotland Yard is full of experts, yet they call upon us for assistance.

H.. Ah.. But the man who planted the snake is entirely different. He's no fool.

H.. He planted the snake to test my powers.

H.. My art is no forgery. 

H.. Watson, don't move.

H.. That spider is considerably well read.

H.. I had my eye on it. I simply let the spider do the walking for me.

H.. Observe the title.

H.. You should not be informed.

H.. I advise you to seek other accommodations.

H.. I pay the greater part.

H.. I see the man's shadow everywhere, but never the man himself. His shadow appears in too many of my cases.

H.. The cases I cannot solve!

H.. Mr. Alfie Trotwood is at the door. Kindly show him, Watson.

H..  Ah, Mr. Trotwood.  To you I must attribute most of my knowledge of opening locked windows. Still Fleet of fingers?

H.. That's because I see something of value in you, Alfie. How may I be of service to you today?

H.. The director of the British Museum.

H.. Go ahead, Alfie.

H.. Then you should sit in my chair.

H.. Go on.

H.. Other than the Piltdown Man, the oldest fossil yet discovered is the jaw from the  Heidelberg Man, in Germany.

H.. I reserve judgement, but continue.

H.. You tell me. You're the detective.

H.. According to the Bible.

H.. An accomplice?

H.. I give up. I've never understood Eve.

H.. I still haven't a clue.

H.. You have the genesis of an interesting theory, Alfie.

H.. Inform Sir Charles, I will meet him this very afternoon.

H.. Alfie, Do you have something else on your mind.

H.. Pure observation and inference.  Describe the matter to me.

H..Briefly lay out the facts before me.

H.. I have visited those shops, in the district.

H.. Well, there's no shortage of the dead in England. Pray continue.

H.. Now tell me, Alfie. Who would frequent your aunt's shop.. her name?

H.. Some of the locals.

H.. At the Museum.

H.. Which department?

H.. Geologist ?

H.. Did he now ?

H.. Perhaps Doctor Watson should have a look at you.  

H.. I see, Back to the missing tin.

H.. And so the money disappeared.

H.. Of course.

H.. Van Dyke Brown Paint. Quality, that won't Faint. You have indeed done me a courtesy.

H.. Many a sad ending comes from White Chapel.

H.. Ah. I read the notice of his death in the newspaper on my way back from Paris. Yes! A pink umbrella was found beside the body. George Skullion.

H..  Brilliant geologist, from the Museum. Your case is most singular.

H.. Most kind of you.

H.. One last thing, Alfie. For the sake of my landlady, Mrs. Hudson, please be careful with the front door.....The new coat of paint is not yet dry.

H.. Do what, Watson?

H.. He waits until the window is opened for him.

H.. Then I will take the case on without compensation. The Museum, the Brain-case of the great mind of London. The Museum is where we shall begin my investigation.

H.. Come to the window. Do you see that man leaning against the railing down there?

H.. Engage him in conversation until I appear downstairs.

H.. I wish to observe the man.

H.. I'll leave that up to you.

The exhibit  was arranged by Lady Adamson. She was the Warden of the Museum's gem collection. And of course her famous brother was, Sir Charles, discoverer of the ancient Piltdown Man. Together, they led the operation of the Museum.

H.. And you must be Lady Adamson. This is my friend and colleague, Doctor Watson.

H.. If ever a precious gem dripped of blood, it must be the Star of Delhi.

H..  I accept. 

.. If memory serves, Lady Adamson won a scholarship for mathematics as a student.

H.. A lady of many accomplishments. She also won a fencing championship.

H.. Oh contra-ire, Watson. You forget the Countess De Wilkinson.

H.. She was a master of the foil.

H.. Watson, there's Alfie Trotwood.

H.. Lovely singing Alfie. But that song is Scottish, not English. 

H.. And how has the Museum been treating you?

H.. I believe you shall. But back to the exhibit. Doctor Watson told me that there's a golf course near the discovery site. Is that true?

H.. Perhaps the Piltdown Man got himself into the sand trap, and couldn't get out again.

H.. Very odd, considering the left supercilliary ridge points to more human-like cranial capacity. Doctor Watson tells me the Java Man, had a much smaller brain.

H..  900  cubic centimeters.  

We each have our own history, Alfie.

H.. I'm glad of it, but you did have an uncommon talent for it.

H.. Ah, Mrs. Mansfield and her missing paint tin.

H.. I have made some lines of inquiry.

But I hope you don't mind my asking, is Mrs. Mansfield truly part of your blood line?

H.. And how were you placed in her care?

H.. Might I ask another question.

Do you have any idea when you were born?

H.. They've passed on.

H.. An older brother, Mycroft.

H.. .. My younger brother died in an accident, when he was seventeen.

H.. I did have a vision once. I saw my younger brother.

H.. No, Alfie. It wasn't a happy dream. But what about you. Didn't you feel a sense of guilt during your time as a thief? 

H.. I don't feel shame for my failures. But I must answer my family who have departed this world. I have failed them..

H.. Just what Doctor Watson was saying. Every species that has ever lived, or will ever live, will become, extinct .

H.. Watson, hurry up. You'll be late for the lecture. I'll see you later.

H.. Lady Adamson, pray draw up to the fire.

H.. I quite understand.

H.. I believe I was of some assistance to your late father, Lord Adamson. His passing must have come as a great shock to the family.

H.. It was rather sudden for a man in his prime.

H.. Quite. What may I do for you today?

H.. At present I am involved in a pretty little problem.

H.. May I inquire what progress Scotland Yard has made thus far?

H.. I confess I did not anticipate this precise result. Might I retain it for future reference?

H.. And Lestrade's theory?

H.. I will take the case on one condition. My fees must be paid regardless of the outcome.

H.. It will be an honor to serve the British Museum.

H.. I look forward to the occasion.

H.. The Tuesday Times, Watson. I have saved it for this occasion. Permit me to give you an extract.

No one denies that the discovery of protons and electrons is  one of the major advances of the age. The creation of electrical power is transforming the planet, and will lead to a Godlike mastery over the wrath of the natural world. As England rushes headlong  into a future which is becoming dependent upon the miracles of science, there will be those who will see their way of life diminish and disappear.

H.. All the seventeen words pasted down, are also found in this newspaper article.

H.. The evidence suggests that the author started at the bottom and worked to the top.

H.. The pattern of smudging.

H.. Like the author of a mystery.

H.. When something goes backwards, Watson, what happens?

H.. Falling off a cliff doesn't necessarily mean the end.

H.. No.  One must first hit bottom.

H.. Working in reverse order is much like forcing the evidence to fit a prevailing theory. Like building the second floor, before making the first floor beneath it.. and the result?

H.. Exactly. Seventeen words... Seventeen words... Does that number not seem familiar to you?

H.. Oh come, come, Watson. How many times have you descended Mrs. Hudson's stairway over there? And have you never counted the steps?

H.. There are seventeen of them!

H.. It has a mathematical precision that is very rare in the criminal element.

Watson, I perceive that you have attempted to take up the saxophone.

H.. I observe two red marks, where the reed presses against your lips.

H.. Don't deny it. The redness of your left thumb, confirms it.

The instrument is made in France, the inventor is Belgian. And if you play it in these rooms, the wild curses from Mrs. Hudson's lips will be, Scottish!

H.. You hope that I would join you in a duet.

H.. Are you mad? Violin and saxophone? That would be the end our association!

H.. I'm sorry, Watson. But a swirling brew of monstrosities ferments beneath the surface of London life, and I can do nothing. I have no desire to become the mere grease that oils the slimy underbelly of London. I need fuel, for my racing brain!

H.. As a doctor, would you not agree that I  am in full command of my mental faculties?

H.. Exceeded only by my older brother, Mycroft. I want you to promise me something. Promise me on your mother's grave, that if I appear to lose my reason, you won't desert me.

H.. Promise me that if I do not recover, you will follow the instructions which I will lay down. Promise me.

H..  As a dear friend, you must.

H.. You have never failed me.

H..  Let me consider it.

H..  I know that man..    I locked up my cocaine in a strong box. It requires two keys to open it.

H.. Each of us will have a key. You and I Watson. You and I.

Where would I be without you, old chap.

H.. Let no one know of this, not even my older brother, Mycroft.

H.. Don't open that case, Watson!! 

Orlando Lassus never composed quartets. He composed motets.

H.. From my heart, to yours.   Swiss made. Take it away!

H.. Pay no attention to that petty entertainment. 

Listen closely. Let us pretend that this lemon is the Star of Delhi, and this butter dish is the glass case surrounding the diamond. Just how would you go about stealing it?

H.. And a second possibility?

H.. Another option?

H.. Come on, old fellow.

H..  Neither the diamond nor the glass case need be touched by human hands.

H.. Think, Watson, think!

H.. You've hit on it old fellow!!

H..  Don't you see? The diamond is inside the case, the case is inside the Museum. It follows then that one could steal the diamond, by stealing, the Museum.

H.. There is a man in London who would attempt it.    

A mathematician.

H.. Professor James Moriarty, of ex - mathematical celebrity.

H.. I defeated his gang in Paris. He sits in his web, back in London.

H.. I refuse.

H.. There will be a final accounting.

H.. Fortunately I have a very dependable ally on my side.

H.. Much too sedentary. This ones' a medical man.

H.. About your height. Could fit into your clothes.

H.. Afraid so, old chap.

H.. One of them is already planted in the Museum.

H.. There is more. Years ago I observed Lady Adamson's father in a rowing match. He won it.

H.. Exactly.

H.. None had a stouter heart than the Lord. There was something unnatural about his death.

H.. I see him. The short man with the long arm.

H.. Calm down, Wiggins. Who is handling the investigation?

H.. I've made a considerable error in this affair.  We may have need of your assistance, Wiggins.

H.. All the more reason to bring a doctor along.  We may learn something yet.

H.. I believe the British Museum repainted this room last December.

H.. I observe the absence of the smell of fresh paint, yet the furniture has been moved. I've made a study of the temporal relationships between the impressions made by furniture upon carpeting, the accumulations of dust, and the formation of..spider webs.

H..  A woman's best friend, so the De Beers would have us believe.

H.. Indeed you may. But, I was hoping I might have a word with your brother, Sir Charles. 

H.. Accidents have the face of God, but are usually the handiwork of men. I have built a career out of making inroads into the domain of the accidental.

H.. It's not a crime to be a bachelor.

H.. I find your perfume attractive. White Jasmine, is it not?

H..  141, to be precise.

H.. It took the blood and sweat of thirty thousand miners, to find it.

H.. I should like to give you a gift, Lady Adamson.  Perhaps, something for your birthday.  Might I ask the date?

H.. Ah, splendid.

H.. How clumsy of me.

H.. The diamond has affected me.

H.. Other affairs await my attention..  I'll see my way out..  I find it too hot in this room.

H.. The coldness of reason is all I need.

H.. Is this the opinion of, Sir Charles?

H.. And the Museum?

H.. I take it you mean, Alfie Trotwood.

H.. That is not the opinion of your brother, Sir Charles.

H.. I'll vouch for Alfie.

H.. That won't be necessary.

H.. Remarkable how a competent lie can be fashioned into evidence. This has been most instructive, Lady Adamson.

H.. Listen to me, while I still have my wits about me.

H.. You must hear the truth.

H.. The truth about my younger brother.

H.. Watson, the reckless days of my youth.  It happened when I was a student, during the summer recess. My younger brother and I set about experimenting with narcotics. I was the better chemist, he the better violinist. But he was desperate for inspiration. I wondered if I could find a substance which would counteract the narcotic's power to addict. I obtained a new supply of cocaine from a professor at the university. I hid the drug in my room. An hour later I saw my brother flash by the window. He was running up the street towards St Paul's. I saw an empty syringe on the floor. I ran after him. My feet slipped on the pavement, from the rain. He smashed a window and gained entry to the church. He was headed for the bell tower. I leaped up the staircase. The roof was under repair and there was a small open space. He was balanced on the very apex of the vault. I cried out to him. He made a turn to come round, lost his footing. His arms went up, I thrust out my hand.. The tragedy was hushed up. The conveyor of the drug, blamed. In disgrace he was dismissed from his posting at the university. Watson. I introduced narcotics to my younger brother. A thousand times, I've gone over and over it. My mind always returning to the source. The conveyor. A professor of mathematics. Professor Moriarty!

H.. He seeks my destruction, as I seek his. Moriarty has poisoned me.

H.. I broke into my strong box. Poison was mixed into my cocaine.

H.. I injected myself. I can feel it in my veins.

H.. Moriarty.

H.. You believe, Sir, that you are the epitome of criminal evolution, but I warn you, Sir, your evolutionary path is coming to an end. My nets are closing round you. Your slimy skin will not allow you to slip through my fingers again. I will haul you out of the sea like a fish and dangle you by the gills.

H.. Please take care as you tread this passageway. The prison floor is damp and is somewhat slippery. I have no wish for you to break your neck quite yet. That will be accomplished for you by the hangman upon your forthcoming trial, conviction, and execution!

H.. Watson!

H.. Watson, that sword has a poison tip.

H.. I would gladly give my life if I could be certain of your father's destruction.

H.. Do as she says, Watson.

H.. My family did a grave injustice to your father. The blame is all mine. But surely Lord Adamson didn't deserve his fate.

H.. It was murder.

H.. Moriarty had him murdered. And many others.

H.. Drop it, Lady Adamson! Drop it!

H.. Don't shoot anyone!

H.. Not this time, Watson. I shall meet that man alone, for the final discussion of  those questions, which lie between us.

H.. The law had to be advised. But you old chap, you're not a convincing liar.

H.. But, it was very brave of you to confront Lady Adamson.

H..  I suspected Moriarty would contaminate my cocaine. So, I disguised myself. I observed the friendly old chemist, bumping into you. Moriarty. But he was not able to conceal those serpentine eyes of his. From such a snake, the prescription must have been poison.

H.. To be myself, I must play the part of another. But the corpse, gave the best performance of all.

H.. That wasn't difficult. The Creationists never stole them.

H.. I created a set of duplicates for Sir Charles to display at the lecture.

H.. I do apologize for throwing you out of our rooms like that. But, there was no need for both of us to be exposed to the toxic fumes of my experiments.

H.. Iron staining and chromic acid. And thus I manufactured duplicate specimens.

H.. I didn't know. But that anonymous letter got me thinking. I knew it wasn't from the Creationists.

H.. No. A woman's  eyelash was caught under one of the pasted words. And, I detected the scent of perfume. White Jasmine.

H.. Excellent, Watson.

H.. Who did you blame?

H.. That was the scheme. To blame the Creationists for the theft. But I recognized one of the blackguards who was pelting Sir Charles with bananas.

H.. I was the priest who was yelling for order. I had a run in with one of those scoundrels.

H.. No. There's no religion in him, save the devil. He was one of Moriarty's men. Three years ago, a friend of his, got the better of me at Charring Cross and cracked my canine tooth. But I have since studied Baritsu. He broke his nose on my fist as I gave him a good hard right in the back alley.

H.. He smokes an exotic variety of cigar. I found the very same cigar ash in Mrs Mansfields shop.

H.. Yes, one always needs, evidence. When I examined the dentition of the Piltdown jaw under a microscope, I discovered that the teeth had been ground down, by a steel file.

H.. Precisely. The fragments had to vanish to avoid any examination by a real expert.

H.. Moriarty's agents attempted to destroy every last trace of the fraud by ransacking the White Chapel shop.

H.. But they did not succeed. Alfie helped me find the sales records. Therein, I found the answer. George Skullion: Purchase - Flying Rat, human skulls, orangutan jaw, and other bones, two pounds, six.

H.. I admit I failed, Watson. But Alfie brought me something much more valuable.

H.. Come, come, Watson. Do you not recall Alfie bringing us the lid of the paint tin? Good thing too, for I observed the color of  the Piltdown Man specimens exactly matched the color of the paint on the lid. The fraud was achieved with good old fashioned, paint.   Instant antiquity.

H.. .The man, or the orangutan?

H..  Observe. There is no clothing with labels, no watch with inscriptions, no tobacco ash, nor any other tangible clue to his identity. Nothing at all. Except the fact that the Piltdown Man is really a Lady.

H.. I verified the sex of the bones, by examining them at the Surgeons Skeletal Library.

H.. It is not for me to supply the deficiencies of the English scientific community.

H.. Watson, you know my methods. Apply them.

H.. Very near the mark.

H.. I congratulate you, old chap.

H.. No, it was the geologist who played golf.

H.. His score was recorded in the golf club's records. I played the same course myself and observed the traces of sand traps dreadfully hacked away at by a rank amateur.

H.. Abysmal. The geologist couldn't get out of the sand traps.   I shot one under par.

H.. Watson!! .. Mrs. Hudson!! .. I've trained Mrs. Hudson to deal with these little predicaments.  Wiggins, wait outside for Doctor Watson. Off with you now..

Wiggins will take you to Alfie. You must both remain in hiding in a safe-house, until I put Moriarty behind bars.  Make your way to the docklands to this address. Seek a woman who goes by the name of Lime-house Annie. In three days time, escort Alfie to Sir Charles at the Museum.

H.. You have learned something of my method. Excellent. You must not tell another living soul.

H.. Alfie Trotwood is the true son of the late Lord Adamson.

H.. Not completely abandoned. The wet nurse at the hospital took pity on the boy. Yes, she was Alfie's aunt, Mrs. Mansfield. She kept Alfie's identity a secret all these years, thus protecting him from Moriarty. 

H.. A close examination of city birth records, gave me an idea. I asked Mrs. Mansfield, a simple question. What happened on May 17th, the night Alfie was born? She broke down. The more I filled her glass with fine aged whiskey, the more the truth spilled out.  Watson, I was not able to prevent her death. But Lady Adamson..

H.. Your friendship has been my reward, my dear Watson…

Come in, Professor.