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Function vs. Dysfunctional families
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Roles of dysfunctional family members.
Doers:
- Provides: most maintenance functions
- Does so much, feels:
- Tired
- Lonely
- Taken advantage of
- Neglected
- Empty
- Gets satisfaction out of being accomplished
- Feels good when does
Problem: Unhealthy guilt & overdeveloped sense of responsibility
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Roles of dysfunctional family members.
Enablers/Helpers
- Provides: nurturance & sense of belonging
- May also be Doer
- Avoids conflict
- Smoothes out situations
- Fears abandonment
- Fears family members cannot stand on own
- Problem: Tries to keep family together at all cost
- Even in presence of violence or death
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Roles of dysfunctional family members.
Lost child/loner
- Deals with family dysfunction by escape
- Provides: separateness & autonomy
- Stays to self and plays alone
- Aloneness is not healthy
- Often overlooked because rarely causes trouble
- Problem: Has a deep loneliness
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Roles of dysfunctional family members.
Hero
- Provides: self-esteem
- Is a high achiever
- Secretly feels guilty about praise over other members
- Makes the family proud
- Problem: Pays a price in what he/she wants to do
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Roles of dysfunctional family members.
Mascot
- Often one of the youngest
- Provides: humor
- Gives the family a sense of fun and playfulness
- The mascot’s true feelings never get expressed
- Problem: Can be an emotional cripple
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Roles of dysfunctional family members.
Scapegoat
- Provides: a way to act out the family dysfunction
- Takes the blame for the family
- Is the “black sheep”
- Gets drug addicted, in trouble with the law, etc.
- May have negative behavior and create controversy
- If this member wasn’t a delinquent, the family would be healthy
- Problem: Costs the person quite a lot
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Roles of dysfunctional family members.
Dad’s little princess/
Mom’s little man:
- A form of emotional abuse.
- The child becomes a little spouse to a parent and feels good.
- Denied being child & boundaries violated.
- Parent afraid or too dysfunctional to get needs met by another adult
- Problem: End up in abusive relationships as adults because boundaries were violated as child
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Roles of dysfunctional family members
The saint/Nun/Rabbi/Priest/Preacher
- Provides: Spirituality
- Consciously molded into role
- Problem: Feels has no worth if not perform role
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In a functional family a child can?
- Have a sense of acceptance and worth
- Make mistakes and be responsible for them without being abused
- Be separate and not be lonely
- Have fun
- Have spirituality
- Have a voice
- Discuss things openly
- Feel safe
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What are the "rules" of a dysfunctional family?
- It’s not OK to talk about problems
- It’s not OK to express feelings openly
- Don’t address issues or relationships directly
- Always be strong, be good, be perfect
- Don’t be selfish
- Do as I say not as I do
- It’s not OK to play
- Don’t rock the boat
- Don’t talk about sex
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What happens in families with weak/diffuse boundaries?
- Weak and permeable
- Lacks organization
- No sense of family
- The line between child and parent is not clear
- No sense of unity
- Putting children in adult roles violates boundaries
- No one seems to be in charge
- There are no clear rules and limits
- Doesn’t feel like a family
- Can happen after a divorce
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What happens in a family with very rigid boundaries?
- Person/family is protected and at a cost
- Parents
- Have difficulty expressing love
- Are not emotionally or physically present
- Won’t empathize with children
- Won’t play with children
- Will appear uncaring, distant and detached
- Child:
- will feel alone and unloved
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