Study Guide

• 1. want others to know without having to tell them - same wave length
• 2. doesnt feel right; having to tell someone to care is a suspect kind of caring (i shouldnt have to tell them)
• 3. indirectness is safer

• "he said she said" tape
• gaze and communication in children
•   - girls face eachother, boys dont
• creating connection (females) and negotiating status (males)
•  - girls tell secrets, boys engage in activities
• being direct and indirect in conversational style
• talking at home (females) and in public groups (males)

gender differences are often the source of frustration in marriages

• rules for handling conflict
• the speaker istener technique

• How not to talk 
• Common communication mistakes
• -you instead of i
• -responding before exhibiting empathy & understanding
• -mind reading comments
• name calling
• kitchen sinking

• Core issues that underlie conflict
• -nurturance
• -intimacy
• -power and control
• -fidelity/faithfulness
• -differences in style

caring and love, does partner feel loved and cared for

• relates to closeness and distance
• do partners have the freedom and separateness that best suits them

• relates to decision making 
• do partners have as much say so in the marriage that they want
• arguments in this often relate to money and child rearing decisions

• relates to commitment
• will each partner continue to be commited to the marriage and expectations that were agreed upon in the beginning

often result from personality differences

• avoidant
• volatile
• validating

Gottman

Diane Vaughan

Gottman

Harville Hendrix

• the death of romantic love
• since individuals have chosen partners with their caretakers' failings, it is likely that the partner will fail them as well, in the same devastating ways. each is doomed to disappoint the other
• stages of power struggle are the same as stages of grief

• that a pleasant response wasnt the first imprint on the old brain
• if infant had unmet needs, fusses, and cries response was natural (same when adult criticizes)
• when despair is reached, couples dont know what to do to make things better
• they have an unconscius marriage - no understanding of the powerful forces that have created their problems

Napier and whitaker

• stress
• polarization and escalation
• triangulation
• blaming
• stasis
• family wide symbiosis

interpersonal stress-that involves conflict with others

• conflicting opinions on issues become hardened, even further apart, as the conflict picks up intensity
• unhealthy families are less likely to work out acceptable compromises

seek ways of relieving the tension by focusing on someone or something out side of the pair

common to play the role of victim while blaming someone else

stuck or stagnant as in not being able to work thru a problem or crisis

attachment to family and family principles is so strong that it blocks the development of healthy individuality

phil mcgraw

Gottman

Harville Hendrix

for partners who undertake the struggle, fight through the despair, and persist thru the harshps, there can be a deeply satisfying relationship on the other side- known as consciious marriage

• they must stop using criticism and blame as way of expressing frustration
• make commitment to counsiling
• must learn and practice new ways of behaving rather than rely on old unproductive habits

rick brown

• mirroring
• validation
• empathy

not only to seek compromise but to create a safe environment where deeper issues can be uncovered, explored, understood, and worked thru

• tell your partner what they can do to help you heal: should be positive, specific and measurable
• if partner can do it, it will lead to your growth
• re-romanticizing the marriage- ask what they have appreciated in spouse

• 1.understand how patterns of behavior are passed down from generation to generation
• 2. understand that they are too enmeshed in the affairs of of each other
• 3. understand that rules are too inflexible
• communicate direcly, rather than triagling 
• 4. establish healthy boundaries
• 5. work as a team to achieve common goals
• 6. restructure rules so that unhealthy rules are eliminated
• 7. resolve difficult problem issues so that each member's needs are taken into consideration
• 8. own the family problem

• 1. develop flexible, healthy, age appropriate rules
• 2. respect each member's needs
• 3. support the mental and emotional growth of family members
• 4. treat members with dignity and respect
• 5. communicate in direct, clear and honest ways
• 6. listen to each other and attempt to understand
• 7. shares responsibilities in a fair way
• 8. forgive and learn from mistakes
• 9. know the importance of play andhumor
• 10. have a moral belief system
• 11. foster and enjoy time together
• 12. value rituals and traditions
• 13. encourage service to others
• 14. admit problems and kinow when to get help

• hopefully you have made progress in your attempt to understand marriage, family, and intimate relationships.
• realize that satisfying relationships dont just happen, they must be maintained and nurtured
• that my relationship with partner children...is vitally imp. to me