Study Guide

  1. Deborah Tannen-
    Why communication is often indirect:
    • 1. want others to know without having to tell them - same wave length
    • 2. doesnt feel right; having to tell someone to care is a suspect kind of caring (i shouldnt have to tell them)
    • 3. indirectness is safer
  2. Tannen: gender differences
    • "he said she said" tape
    • gaze and communication in children
    •   - girls face eachother, boys dont
    • creating connection (females) and negotiating status (males)
    •  - girls tell secrets, boys engage in activities
    • being direct and indirect in conversational style
    • talking at home (females) and in public groups (males)
  3. Fincham, Fernandes, and Humphreys - gender differences in communication
    gender differences are often the source of frustration in marriages
  4. Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg - PREP strategy
    • rules for handling conflict
    • the speaker istener technique
  5. Dan Wile:
    • How not to talk 
    • Common communication mistakes
    • -you instead of i
    • -responding before exhibiting empathy & understanding
    • -mind reading comments
    • name calling
    • kitchen sinking
  6. Goldberg:
    • Core issues that underlie conflict
    • -nurturance
    • -intimacy
    • -power and control
    • -fidelity/faithfulness
    • -differences in style
  7. Nurturance-
    caring and love, does partner feel loved and cared for
  8. Intimacy-
    • relates to closeness and distance
    • do partners have the freedom and separateness that best suits them
  9. Power and control-
    • relates to decision making 
    • do partners have as much say so in the marriage that they want
    • arguments in this often relate to money and child rearing decisions
  10. Fidelity-
    • relates to commitment
    • will each partner continue to be commited to the marriage and expectations that were agreed upon in the beginning
  11. Difference in style-
    often result from personality differences
  12. Gottman: 3 healthy marital styles
    • avoidant
    • volatile
    • validating
  13. 4 horsemen: researcher
  14. Initiator/ rejected partners researcher
    Diane Vaughan
  15. Distance and isolation cascade researcher
  16. Pwer struggle and unconscious marriage researcher
    Harville Hendrix
  17. Powre struggle
    • the death of romantic love
    • since individuals have chosen partners with their caretakers' failings, it is likely that the partner will fail them as well, in the same devastating ways. each is doomed to disappoint the other
    • stages of power struggle are the same as stages of grief
  18. Hendrix believes:
    • that a pleasant response wasnt the first imprint on the old brain
    • if infant had unmet needs, fusses, and cries response was natural (same when adult criticizes)
    • when despair is reached, couples dont know what to do to make things better
    • they have an unconscius marriage - no understanding of the powerful forces that have created their problems
  19. Characteristics of struggling families
    Napier and whitaker
  20. characteristics of struggling families
    • stress
    • polarization and escalation
    • triangulation
    • blaming
    • stasis
    • family wide symbiosis
  21. Stress
    interpersonal stress-that involves conflict with others
  22. Polarization and escalation
    • conflicting opinions on issues become hardened, even further apart, as the conflict picks up intensity
    • unhealthy families are less likely to work out acceptable compromises
  23. Triangulation
    seek ways of relieving the tension by focusing on someone or something out side of the pair
  24. Blaming
    common to play the role of victim while blaming someone else
  25. Stasis
    stuck or stagnant as in not being able to work thru a problem or crisis
  26. Family wide symbiosis
    attachment to family and family principles is so strong that it blocks the development of healthy individuality
  27. Harmful attitudes that make change possible
    phil mcgraw
  28. The sound marital house
  29. The conscious marriage and imago therapy
    Harville Hendrix
  30. the conscious marriage
    for partners who undertake the struggle, fight through the despair, and persist thru the harshps, there can be a deeply satisfying relationship on the other side- known as consciious marriage
  31. Imago therapy
    • they must stop using criticism and blame as way of expressing frustration
    • make commitment to counsiling
    • must learn and practice new ways of behaving rather than rely on old unproductive habits
  32. Imago relationship book
    the couples dialogue
    rick brown
  33. couples dialogue involves 3 skills in communication
    • mirroring
    • validation
    • empathy
  34. goal of imago therapy
    not only to seek compromise but to create a safe environment where deeper issues can be uncovered, explored, understood, and worked thru
  35. The behavior change request
    • tell your partner what they can do to help you heal: should be positive, specific and measurable
    • if partner can do it, it will lead to your growth
    • re-romanticizing the marriage- ask what they have appreciated in spouse
  36. What the family therapist attempts to accomplish
    • 1.understand how patterns of behavior are passed down from generation to generation
    • 2. understand that they are too enmeshed in the affairs of of each other
    • 3. understand that rules are too inflexible
    • communicate direcly, rather than triagling 
    • 4. establish healthy boundaries
    • 5. work as a team to achieve common goals
    • 6. restructure rules so that unhealthy rules are eliminated
    • 7. resolve difficult problem issues so that each member's needs are taken into consideration
    • 8. own the family problem
  37. What characterizes healthy families?
    • 1. develop flexible, healthy, age appropriate rules
    • 2. respect each member's needs
    • 3. support the mental and emotional growth of family members
    • 4. treat members with dignity and respect
    • 5. communicate in direct, clear and honest ways
    • 6. listen to each other and attempt to understand
    • 7. shares responsibilities in a fair way
    • 8. forgive and learn from mistakes
    • 9. know the importance of play andhumor
    • 10. have a moral belief system
    • 11. foster and enjoy time together
    • 12. value rituals and traditions
    • 13. encourage service to others
    • 14. admit problems and kinow when to get help
  38. What the textbook author hopes you understand after reading this book
    • hopefully you have made progress in your attempt to understand marriage, family, and intimate relationships.
    • realize that satisfying relationships dont just happen, they must be maintained and nurtured
    • that my relationship with partner vitally imp. to me
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