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Harmful attitudes
- faultfinding
- winning-my way is the only way
- unquenchable need for security
- an unforgiving spirit
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Positive attitudes
- accept personal responsibility for relationship
- learn acceptance
- remember your friendship
- yield to win
- turmoil not allowed to transcend relationship
- hold high standards
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7 principles for making marriage work
Gottmans research
- Knowing what stable, happy couples did right was more important than knowing wht unstable couples did wrong
- Knowing how stable couples deal with conflict will help in developing strategies for troubled couples
- Helping couples maintain 5:1 ratio
- mismatched styles- one or both partners must make adjustments
- Even stable couples have perpetual problems
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___% of problems are perpetual
69
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The Sound Marital House
Gottman
- has 7 floors
- foundation is imp.
- house is continually under attack by 4 horsemen
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Sound marital house provides
- 1. a descripton of stable marriages (the 7 floors)
- 2. a prescription - what ciouples need to do to maintain health or rebuild that structure (7 principles)
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over 50% of divorces occur:
first 7 years of marriage
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The 1st three floors
Based on essential ingredient of stable marriages - a solid friendship
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1st floor made up of:
1st Principle:
a continuing interest in your partners life. Exhibit this interest everyday
Find out about the details of partners life
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2nd Floor:
- made up of fondness and admiration
- glue that holds relationship together
- the horseman contempt is especially harmful to this glue
- F.&A. keep the 4 horsemen from eating away the foundation
- A clue to whether this glue still exists is how partners remember their past together
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2nd principle:
take time to nurture the fondness and admiration system
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How to nurture the fondness and admiration system-
- show interest
- be affectionate
- be appreciative
- show concern
- be empathetic
- show you care
- be accepting
- joke around
- share joy
- use repair attempts during conflict
- show understanding
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3rd floor
- stable cuples turn toward each other in positive ways each day
- adds to emotional bank account
- little moments when partners turn towrds each other are imp.
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3rd principle:
redouble your effort to turn toward each other in support
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4th floor
- partners experience positive sentiment overide
- allows some negativity to be processed in marriage without infering evil intent
- with F&A and positive sentiment overide, partners are more likely to accept influence
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Some marital therapies only each conflict resolution fail...
a reciprical relationship exists between a husbands accepting influence and a wife's use of soft start up during conflict
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4th principle
allow yourself to be influenced by your partner
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5th floor
solve your solvable problems
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5th principle
learn marriage masters skills to solve solvable problems
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Skills the marriage masters use:
- 1. start conflict discussions softly
- 2. know about repair attempts, make them, and respond positively to them
- 3. soothe yourself and partner
- 4. compromise
- 5. be tolerant of partners faults
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maital paradox
partners change only when they realize that being loved isnt contigent on change
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6th floor
make dreams come true by overcoming gridlock
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6th principle
- learn to live with unsolvable problems by...
- -detect underlying dreams, where these dreams come from and why they are imp.
- -discuss dreams in non judgemental ways
- respect partners dream
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7th floor
- value shared meanings by creating family culture, rituals, customs, common goals...
- talk to each other about beliefs, values, traditions, dreams, and things of importance
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7th principle
create customs, rituals, common goals, etc.. that are shared, imp., and enjoyed by everyone (shared meanings) so that family members feel they are working toether as a team to achieve common objectives and goals
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