final exam

• 1. toxic patterns carried over from first marriage to second
• 2. divorce may create new problems that previously didnt exist
• 3. divorce may create adjustment problems for kids

• problems with self esteem
• problems of anger and self control
• problems with addiction
• problems concerning unfinished business from childhood

Gottman- Observed:

• Couple's interactions, discussing topics, working on tasks together, attempting to resolve conflict
• Observed facial expressions, bodily gestures...
• Measured psychological changes such as heart rate, palm moisture...
• also assessd cognitive components - thoughts

• Gottman-
• validating couples
• volatile couples
• avoidant couples

• emotions and opinions - vaildated by listening and understanding
• mutual respect, few disagreements
• compromise
• good friends, value "we" over "me"

too much we and not enough me

• heated arguments, high energy
• negative/positive emotional expression
• involved in give and take
• equals within a loving marriage
• allow for individuality/differences

1 partner gets so upset that they say something that they shouldnt. Go too far and cant go back

• "conflict miimizers"
• down play their differences
• accept positives, ignore differences
• "love will see us through"
• agree to disagree

face something they disagree on and they wont know how to deal with it

• at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 egative interaction
• if couples couldnt maintain this, their marriages became troubled

• hostile/engaged; hot arguments, put downs, failure to listen and empathize
• hostile/detached: some hostility but at least one partner somewhat emotionally uninvolved and detached 

• 1. criticism
• 2. defensiveness
• 3. contempt
• 4. stonewalling

• blaing and attacking one's personal character
• often begins with "yoo"
• complaints = soft start up
• criticism = harsh startup

• follows criticism
• response to attack
• usually escalates conflict/negativity

• intentional insult
• views spouse as stupid and incompetent
• intent to abuse aand harm
• corrodes respect and admiration
• the sulfuric acid of relationships

• insults
• name calling
• hostile humor
• mockery
• body language - often head tilting back, roll eyes

• withdrawal to control overwhelming emotions
• silent looking away, disengagement, or leaving the room
• couples begin to reset thermostat

• as the 4 horsemen invade, partners lose respect and admiration for one another
• perceive problems as as severe unsolvable
• talk is useless
• live separate lives as loneliness sets in
• rewrite history - construe past negatively
• little irritants become magnified
• past viewed as troubled and chaotic

high expectations

Diana Vaughan-

• interviewed 103 people whos relationships had failed
• partners go throuhg same stages but at diff times

• starts with secret/something not quite right
• after time (I) decides to communicate discontent
• communication often difficult
• (I) fearful and uncertain
• usually communicates harshly
• rather than "im unhappy because..." expresses criticism
• redifine self, relationship, finds alternate ways of seeking validation
• nothing gets resolved in marriage
• goes public to selected audience and mourns
• reconstructs history
• explores what life may be like after

• aware without being aware
• sees and hears, but shooses to deny
• difficulty receiving bad news
• selectively processes experiences that reinforce commitment
• hangs on to the picture of intact marriage
• avoids thoughts of breakup