understanding relationships

how couples handle the emotional part of their lives

• Has an insight and awareness. Can monitor feelings, knowing from moment to moment their em. experience
• Deals with emotions in appropriate ways-ways that are soothing and constructive
• Uses em. as positive motivators
• Reads the emotions of others. Is sensitive to others feelings, shows empathy
• Knows how to manage em. so relationships succeed

• Strong feelings
• Close proximity
• Husband/wife differences
• Parent/child differnces
• Lack of taining/poor training/unhealthy childhood experiences

• 1. are aware of childs feelings. Empathize with childs feelings even in low intensity sit.
• 2. times of emotional expression-opportunities for teaching and intimacy
• 3. sensitively listen to childs emotional expression and are non critical
• 4. help child find appropriate words for labelling
• 5. help child understand limits and solve problems

• by 2nd grade boys/girls play apart
• boys- aggressive games
• girls- quieter games, intimacy/talk imp.
• boys- disagrreements dont stop game
• girls- interact, share feelings and intimate experience

• males - more difficulty recovering from highly emotional experiences
• females - recover quicker, perhaps cry or talk things out

• Husband's heart rate and blood pressure elevate more quickly, rise higher, and stay elevated longer in response to marital conflict
• Leads to flooding/withdrawal/stonewalling

• Stable couples- hear and respond positively to repair attempts. Correct imbalance
• Unstable couples - did neither. Although they too made repair attempts

• Absence of positive affect-em. dead
• Suppressed negatively that hides tension and sadness
• Dont even seem to be friends
• Lead parrallel lives
• No attempt to soothe each other
• Dont feel entitled to their complaints
• Determined to adapt

• determines if it can be fixed
• If this is gone then there is no turning back

• the cobras in conflict discussion- immediate anger but lowered heart rate, hostile/violent in other settings. encouraged partner's independency, shunned intimacy
• Pit bulls- gradual anger and heart rate icreased; insecure, jealous, isolate and attempt to control wives
• Both types refused to be influenced by their wives

• 1. The over controlled abuser
• 2. The psychopathic abuser (cobra)-no real ability to feel anything, no conscience, dangerous
• 3. The cyclical/emotionaly volitile abuser (pits)-most studied

• 1.Tension building phase
• 2.Acute battering phase
• 3.Contrition phase

aversive arousal-the bitch tape, projects blame on wife-her fault

goal to terrify and humiliate, wife is bitch/whore, release of pent up tension is pleasurable, addictive

often seek to atone, wife now referred to as wonderful-madonna figure

symptoms of ptsd-sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, hypersensitive, numbing to past

• Cold, harsh, abusive, violent father who shames child- belittling, attacking a person for being a person
• Mother not providing nurturance for secure attachment
• Diect experience of emotional and physical abuse in the home

an attempt to connect emotionally with your partner

turning toward partner - positive response to big

• turning against partner/arcastic, hostile, derogatory
• turning away from partner/ignore, being preoccupied

• positive attention rather than inattention
• soft start up rather than harsh start up
• complaints rather than criticism
• take a break when flooding occurs
• be positive-look for good
• dont avoid certain conversations

• Murray Bowen
• 2 opposing and powerful forces:
• 1. the push toward autonomy (to be separate)
• 2. The push to be close & connected (fused)

Differentiation: 1)to develop a healthy individual self, separate from others and 2)an ability to separate intellect from em.

• able to separate intellect from em.
• able to pull back in emotional sit. and use intellect
• have strong sense of identity and a solid core -secure
• can become emotional but does so by choice

• easily overwhelmed by their em. system
• em. take over
• cant differentiate intellect from em.
• trouble differenetiating themselves from others -insecure
• intrusive and overbearing in close relationships

long term, ability to break away (differentiate) from family of origin

is the situation specific and short term; emotions dominate (out of control emotionally)

• positive/negative: healthy/unhealthy
• if em. toe is unhealthy- child has trouble differentiating a solid self

• one person wants to control
• someone in family is hostile, aggressive
• unhealthy family rules
• the brice family-it just happens, perhaps because of the tension in spousal relationship and inappropriate rules

• 1. one partner accommodates to relieve anxiety and preserve harmony
• 2. both partners may resist compromise-live in conflictual relationship
• 3. partners may distance emotionally, disengage
• 4. both partners may compromise -one person may give up too much, causing resentment

• uneasiness exists for long periods of time
• principle: when chronic anxiety exists, family members struggle to adapt

created when two parts of a family system are in conflict and they focus on something else (triangle in) as a way of gaining control or stabilizing problem

• What can be triangled in? 
• -alcoholism
• -drug abuse

• 1. a conflictual relationship is kept in balance by the way a third party relates to the two person dyad
• 2. if one is the third party, it is usually not possible to bring about constructive change in the relationship
• 3. atempts by the third party to change the conflicted pair are usually not only ineffective, but often make things worse
• 4. when the third party tries to change the other two, he/she ends up with stress
• 5. change is always resisted by homeostatic forces in the system
• 6. one side of the triangle is always more conflictual than the other
• 7. we can only change relationships to which we belong