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The Demand Man (Batterer Typology)
- It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them.
- If I'm unhappy about anything in my life, whether it's related to you or not, it's your fault.
- You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
- I am above criticism.
- I am a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.
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The Demand Man's (Batterer Typology) victim
- Caregiver
- Meek, undemanding
- Kids are treated the same, expected to meet his needs
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Mr. Right (Batterer Typology)
- You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what's good for you.
- Your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.
- The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.
- If you would just accept that I know what's right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too.
- When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that's mistreatment of me.
- If I put you down for long enough, some day you'll see.
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Mr. Right's (Batterer Typology) victim
- May have family support because he pisses everybody off
- Used to being told what to think
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Water Torturer (Batterer Typology)
- You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
- I can easily convince other people that you're the one who is messed up.
- As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
- I know exactly how to get under your skin.
- Calm, cool, collected appearance
- Pathologizes victim, makes her look crazy
- Everybody feels sorry for him, wonders how he does it, bakes him up
- He sees nothing wrong with his behavior
- Gets custody
- Doesn't last long in batterer's groups - can't tolerate being confronted on his BS
- Very sly
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Water Torturer's (Batterer Typology) victim
- Nonassertive
- Terrified of being read as crazy
- Kids believe she's crazy
- TELL HER, "YOU'RE NOT CRAZY."
- Tell her, "He was abusive."
- Help normalize her thoughts and feelings
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Drill Sergeant (Batterer Typology)
- I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong.
- I know the exact way that everything should be done.
- You shouldn't have anyone else - or anything else - in life besides me.
- I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence.
- I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me.
- I am above criticism.
- I am a very loving and giving partner.
- Ownership mentality, fanatically jealous - cheating on him = lethal
- Seduces with a "proper courtship"
- If he has psychological problems, he is very dangerous
- Sometimes has trouble getting along with people
- Abused as a child
- Very controlling with kids, too
- Demands perfection
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Drill Sergeant's (Batterer Typology) victim
- Perfectionist
- May have written instructions, etc. from him that can be used in court
- Submissive
- Non-emotive
- Kids' loyalty is divided
- Kids may bully - he may encourage it, especially in boys - and/or hate authority
- Look like all-American family, straight A's, Little League, etc.
- In shelter, everything in its place, vic will clean up after her kids and others as well.
- She is ordered, tense, on eggshells all the time.
- Panic @ loss of routine.
- Control-related anxiety disorders
- Victim and kids may lie, being accustomed to it as a survival skill
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Mr. Sensitive (Batterer Typology)
- I'm against the macho men, so I can't be abusive.
- As long as I use a lot of "psychobabble," no one is going to believe that I'm mistreating you.
- I control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood.
- I can get inside your head whether you want me to or not.
- Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
- Women should be grateful to me for not being like other men.
- Like Water Torturer, makes victim feel crazy, but he's smoother
- Highly educated, frequently in helping professions and/or therapy/recovery
- "Helping you overcome"
- Soft-spoken, gentle, peaceful
- Nothing is ever good enough
- Master manipulator
- Demands that his emotions be catered to all the time
- Fishes for compliments
- Expects partner to sacrifice for his happiness/peace
- When confronted he immediately goes into victim mode
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Mr. Sensitive (Batterer Typology) words & phrases
- developing closeness
- working out our issues
- facing difficult things about ourselves
- anger/upset (rather than abuse/emotional)
- nobody can hurt you without your permission
- for your own good
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Mr. Sensitive's (Batterer Typology) "guilt game"
- Partner "hurts his feelings"
- Appears to acknowledge hurt feelings or concerns of partner
- Blames partner for any dissatisfaction he has
- Becomes mean with partner
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Mr. Sensitive's (Batterer Typology) victims
- Confused, lost
- Hesitate to seek help because people may know him, tell him, side with him
- People pleaser
- Takes the blame, apologizes for everything
- Doubts her perceptions
- Good, attentive mom, normalizes her kids' lives as much as possible
- Peacemaker @ shelter
- Needs empowerment
- Tell her, "I'd feel crazy too if someone told me I was crazy every day!"
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Player (Batterer Typology)
- Women are on earth to have sex with men - especially me.
- Women who want sex are too loose; women who refuse sex are too uptight.
- It's not my fault women find me irresistible.
- Women seduce me.
- If you need something from me, I'll ignore you.
- Women who want nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches.
- If you would meet my sexual needs, I wouldn't have to turn to other women.
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Player's (Batterer Typology) tactics with women
- Makes each woman feel that she's the "special one," but keeps her off balance and not knowing exactly where she stands.
- Tells each woman the others are lying about their involvement with him because they are jealous of her/he turned her down/he used to be involved with her.
- Tells each woman stories of how other women have mistreated him. Makes women feel threatened by all other women.
- Breaks up with women then gets back together with them.
- Keeps 1 or 2 unattractive women in his circle so he can control them.
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Player's (Batterer Typology) victim
- Self doubting
- Physically put-together because she wants to keep him, obsessive about appearance
- Single moms may disengage from children because of obsession with him and the other women
- Blames the other "bitches" (or "whores," etc.)
- Help her step back & see his behavior for what it is
- Pay attention! You may be seeing more than one of his vics at a time.
- There may be sexual abuse but she doesn't view it as rape/sexual abuse; she complies with his sexual demands to keep him.
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Rambo (Batterer Typology)
- Strength and aggressiveness are good, compassion and conflict resolution are bad.
- Anything remotely "homosexual" must be avoided at all costs.
- Women are inferior and are here to serve men and be protected by them.
- Men should never hit a woman, except to keep her in line.
- Women belong to men - like trophies. Calls his victim his "lady."
- Often has a criminal record, maybe gang-related.
- Can be psychopath or sociopath.
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The Victim (Batterer Typology)
- Everyone has done me wrong, especially women.
- When you accuse me of abuse, you're just joining everyone who has mistreated me.
- It's fair for me to do to you what I perceive you are doing to me - even worse.
- Women who accuse men of abuse are men haters.
- My life is so difficult, I'm not responsible for my actions.
- Can't keep a job because he has the worst luck with bosses EVAR, he fails classes because his professors hate him, etc.
- Gets new partner to help him harrass his ex, fight for custody
- Sometimes presents at shelter as a victim; assume he is a victim unless you see these non-victim behaviors: contempt and disrespect (not just anger) toward partner/ex, blaming his behavior on her, claims of having been victimized by previous partners, shows no sympathy/support for battered women or accuses them of exaggerating/lying.
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Terrorist (Batterer Typology)
- You have no right to defy or leave me.
- Women are evil, and must be controlled through terror. True woman-hater.
- I would rather die than let you go.
- Children are one of the best ways to terrify you.
- Seeing you terrified is exciting.
- Most likely to have been severely abused as a child
- May have a combination of psychiatric problems, destructive personality type
- Main goal = keep victim paralyzed with fear
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Terrorist's (Batterer Typology) victim
- Regular safety plans won't work for her
- Needs a lot of protection & support to leave
- Worried about the kids & for good reason
- In real danger: law enforcement standoff, stalking (also her friends & family), etc.
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Mentally Ill or Addicted (Batterer Typology)
- I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological/substance abuse problem.
- If you challenge my abusiveness, you are being mean to me. You don't understand my problems.
- I am/was not abusive, I am/was _____. [bipolar, drunk, blacked-out, depressed...]
- If you challenge me, it will only make my mental illness/addiction worse.
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Truths about batterer myths:
He was abused as a child
- A bad childhood doesn't cause a man to become an abuser.
- A bad childhood can contribute to making an abuser especially dangerous.
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Truths about batterer myths:
He loses control.
- Does he lose control with everyone?
- Does he break his things? Who cleans it up?
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Truths about batterer myths:
His previous partner hurt him.
Becomes an issue when he uses ex-partners as an excuse to abuse current partner
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Truths about batterer myths:
He abuses those he loves the most.
Does he abuse other people he loves?
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Truths about batterer myths:
He holds in his feelings too much.
- Most abusers are not repressed. In fact, people get tired of hearing about their feelings.
- Not distant from his feelings, but from hers.
- Selfish focus on self.
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Truths about batterer myths:
He has an aggressive personality.
Is he aggressive toward everyone?
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Truths about batterer myths:
He loses control.
Does he lose control with everyone?
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Truths about batterer myths:
He's too angry.
- He is angry because he is abusive.
- Abusers' attitudes produce fury.
- Anger management doesn't stop the abuse.
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Truths about batterer myths:
He's mentally ill.
Their value systems is unhealthy, not their psychology.
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Truths about batterer myths:
He hates women.
- An attempt to make women responsible for the abuse.
- Men who have abusive mothers generally don't develop negative attitudes toward women, but men with abusive fathers do.
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Truths about batterer myths:
He fears intimacy and abandonment.
Abuse follows distance, not closeness.
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Truths about batterer myths:
He has a low self-esteem.
When self-esteem is improved, the abuse escalates, because he is accustomed to catering. The more he gets, the more he demands.
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Truths about batterer myths:
His boss mistreats him.
Job improvement does not change abuse at home.
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What is domestic violence?
A pattern of coercive behavior designed to exert power and control over a person in an intimate relationship through the use of intimidating, threatening, harmful, or harassing behavior, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks and economic and other types of coercion.
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Lenore Walker - Battered Woman Syndrome
- Tension Reduction Phase
- Acute Battering Phase
- Loving Contrition Phase
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Consistent Truths About Domestic Violence
- Battered mothers face complex choices and multiple risks.
- Any action taken by a battered mother to improve her circumstances involves risks for her children and herself.
- Leaving the abuser sometimes makes conditions worse rather than better for her children.
- In most cases, pressuring or requiring a battered mother to leave will do more harm than good.
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Consistent Truths About Batterers
- Coercively controlling, intimidating
- Entitled/Self-centered
- Manipulative/Good public image
- Disrespectful, superior, depersonalizing
- Punishes, retaliates
- Ownership mentality
- Justifies the use of violence and abuse
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Why Does She Stay?
- Fear
- Shame
- Hope
- Money
- Dependence
- Children
- Love
- Family pressure
- Religious reasons
- Rural areas
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Why Does She Stay?
Fear
- Injury
- Death
- Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by their batterers than those who stay.
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Why Does She Stay?
Shame
- Failed marriage
- Social stigma
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Why Does She Stay?
Hope
- That abuser will change
- That victim's actions will make abuser change
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Why Does She Stay?
Money
- Abuser controls finances
- Possible unemployment
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Why Does She Stay?
Dependence
- The more dependent the victim, the less likely she is to leave.
- Abuser may forbid employment, education, transportation, even family and friends
- Men may keep their wives or girlfriends pregnant
- He makes her think she can't make it without him
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Why Does She Stay?
Children
- Wants them to have two parents
- Batterer may threaten or abuse children to control
- Fears a loss of custody to the abuser or the state (victims lose custody to abusers in 67% of cases)
- Abused children may be silent to protect parent, themselves, or their siblings
- Various agencies may not coordinate services
- Battered women are often charged with failure to protect
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Why Does She Stay?
Love
- May still love batterer
- Battering isn't every day
- Batterer can be very loving and caring at other times
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Why Does She Stay?
Family Pressure
- Feels she is a failure as a woman, wife, and mother
- Inappropriate or no support from family
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Why Does She Stay?
Rural Areas
- Referral services may be far from home
- Lack of emergency communication options
- Lack of transportation
- Longer emergency response time
- Physical safety may mean leaving behind all that is familiar
- Lack of knowledge that DV & child abuse are crimes
- Law enforcement/other services may be staffed by family & friends
- Isolation
- Fewer resources
- The Bubba factor (Good Ole Boys' Club)
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What to say to a victim:
- I believe you.
- I'm concerned about your safety.
- I'm concerned about the safety of your children.
- When you're ready to make a change, there's help for you and your children.
- It's not your fault.
- You deserve to be happy.
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Important DV Contact #s:
- SAFELINE - 800.522.SAFE or get there via 211
- Attorney General's Victim Services Unit (Lesley March) - 405.521.3921
- National DV Hotline - 800.799.SAFE - www.ndvh.org
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How many Oklahomans died as a result of domestic violence between 1998 and 2010?
1059
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How many Oklahomans died as a result of DV when including perpetrators who died as a result of suicide or law enforcement intervention?
1231
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How many Oklahoma DV homicides are witnessed by children?
1 in 3
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What was Oklahoma's 2011 rank for women murdered by men?
11th
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How many homes with DV also have child abuse?
1 in 4
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How many American women are murdered by their husbands each day?
3
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What ethnic groups tend to be more equal between genders?
Native Americans
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What law, by 753 BCE, gave men the right to beat their wives for a variety of offenses, including insubordination?
Roman law
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Whose property were women considered to be?
- Before marriage, their fathers'
- After marriage, their husbands'
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What was the purpose of a bride price?
To compensate the bride's family for the loss of an asset.
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What was the purpose of a dowry?
To compensate the groom's family for taking on the burden of the bride.
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In the early 1900s, what things could women still not do?
- Own property
- Gain custody
- File for divorce
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What book did Christine de Pizan write, and in what year?
The Book of the City of Ladies, 1405
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What book did Mary Wollenstonecraft write, and in what year?
A Vindication of the Rights of Women, 1792
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What book did Sarah Grimke publish, and in what year?
Letters on the Equality of the Sexes and the Condition of Women, 1838
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What was the first American reform campaign to emphasize the brutality of domestic violence?
The temperance movement
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Who organized the first women's rights convention, when and where?
Elizabeth Cady Stanton; Seneca Falls, NY in 1848
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Who delivered the speech "Ain't I A Woman?" and in what year?
Sojourner Truth, 1851
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During what years did women's rights advocates begin springing up across the country?
1848-1858
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Who pled with the government to allow women to divorce on grounds of violence in 1861?
John Stuart Mill
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Which state was the first to rescind the legal right of men to beat their wives? Case name and year?
Alabama; Fulgrahm v. State, 1871
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In what state and year were convicted batterers sentenced to being tied to a post erected in the county seat for 2 - 10 hours?
Nevada, 1871
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Who organized the first women's rights march on Washington?
Alice Paul
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What organization did Lucy Burns, Alice Paul, and other activists form?
The National Women's Party
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What happened when the National Women's Party picketed the White House?
Many were jailed
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What was the 19th Amendment, and when did it pass? When was it ratified by Congress?
Women's suffrage, 1919; 1920
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When did domestic violence reform skyrocket?
After WWII
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What laid the foundation of the domestic violence movement of the 1960s & 1970s?
The civil rights movement of the 1950s & 1960s
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What organizations formed a coalition to treat battered women married to alcoholic men in 1960?
Al-Anon & Haven House
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How many women and children were sheltered by Haven House in Pasadena, CA between 1964 & 1972?
1,000
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What was the first DV Crisis Center, and when did it open?
Haven House, 1964
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When and where did the first DV hotline open?
St. Paul, MN; 1972
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When did the first battered women's shelter open, and where?
1972; Pasadena, CA
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When and where was the first DV coalition formed?
1976, Pennsylvania
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What book did Betty Friedan write, and in what year?
The Feminine Mystique, 1963
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In what year did NOW vote unanimously to make DV its major issue?
1975
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What state became the first to illegalize spousal rape, and when?
Nebraska, 1976
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What shift occurred in the DV field in the 1970s & 1980s?
Defining the problem - it could happen to anyone, perps are at fault, society should protect
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What state was the first to have mandated arrest in DV cases, and in what year?
Oregon, 1977
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In what year did the Office on Domestic Violence open in Washington, DC?
1979
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In what year did Oklahoma enact a law providing VPOs, and what was the name of that law?
1981, Domestic Abuse Bill
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What significant legal changes occurred in the late 1980s?
- Strengthened sentencing & monitoring of services
- Restricted visitation & custody practices
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How were the medical and child welfare systems responding to DV in the late 1980s?
- Helping to identify DV
- Offering more safety options for battered women & their children
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What shifts occurred in DV strategy from the late 1980s to the present?
- VAWA
- Coordinated community responses
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When was the first planning meeting for the OCDV?
July 10, 1978
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When and where was the first Oklahoma DV shelter opened?
April 1979, Enid
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Major moments for DV
- VOCA (1984)
- Tracy Thurman v. City of Torrington (1985)
- Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson (1994)
- VAWA (1994)
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What are the Batterer Typologies?
- The Demand Man
- Mr. Right
- Water Torturer
- Drill Sergeant
- Mr. Sensitive
- Player
- Rambo
- The Victim
- Terrorist
- Mentally Ill/Addicted
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Why does she stay?
- Fear
- Love
- Hope
- Money
- Children
- Shame
- Dependence on Batterer
- Family Pressure
- Rural Areas
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Batterer Myths
- He was abused as a child.
- He loses control.
- His previous partner hurt him.
- He abuses those he loves the most.
- He holds in his feelings too much.
- He has an aggressive personality.
- He loses control.
- He's too angry.
- He's mentally ill.
- He hates women.
- He fears intimacy and abandonment.
- He has a low self-esteem.
- His boss mistreats him.
- He has poor communication and conflic resolution skills.
- There are as many abusive women as there are men.
- An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable.
- An abuser's core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.
- The abuser's problem is his belief that controlling or abusing his partner is justifiable.
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