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Don't criticise, condemn or complain
- Understanding is forgiving.
- People respond to reward better than criticism.
- Everyone thinks their viewpoint is the right one.
- Don't judge others.
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Give honest, sincere appreciation
- Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
- The only way to get someone to do something is to make them want to do it.
- Find specific things to compliment people on.
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We crave appreciation
- We desire to be great and to be seen to be great.
- Everyone is my superior in some way; I can learn from them all.
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Arouse in the other person an eager want
- Talk to people about what they want, not what I want, and show them how to get it.
- The key to success is to be able to see things from another's point-of-view.
- It is a rare individual who tries to unselfishly help others.
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Become genuinely interested in other people
- People are interested in themselves more than anyone or anything else.
- Love your audience.
- We like people who like us.
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If we want to make friends
- Let us greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
- Smile
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Smile
- A smile says "I like you, you make me happy; I'm glad to see you"
- Enjoy meeting other people, and have a good time getting to know them.
- People want to meet me.
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Action and feeling go together
- If you want to be happy, act happy.
- As we think, so we become. Keep fixed in mind how I'd like to be.
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A person's name is the sweetest thing they can hear.
Remember it and use it often.
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Be a good listener.
- Encourage other people to talk about themselves.
- Few humans are immune to the implied flattery of rapt attention.
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To be interesting, be interested.
- Ask questions the other will enjoy answering.
- Encourage them to talk about themselves and their achievements.
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Talk in terms of the other person's interests
Learn about things people you're going to meet like so you can have engaging conversations about things that interest them.
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Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely
- Ask "What is there about this person that I genuinely admire?"
- Be specific. Notice the details. Don't be cliched.
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Approve, appreciate and recognise
We want the approval of others, recognition of our true worth, appreciation of our gifts and a feeling of importance.
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"Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours"
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Avoid arguments
- Be non-confrontational.
- Arguments won't change peoples' opinions (and if they do they'll hate you for it).
- "Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love"
- Focus on areas where you agree.
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"Judge people by their own principles, not your own"
Let people arrive at your idea on their own through your careful guidance. It's as if they had the idea themselves.
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If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
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Begin in a friendly way
- Convince an opponent you're their friend and you may be able to influence them. Attack and you never will.
- Gentleness and friendliness are always stronger than fury and force.
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Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately
- This makes them more likely to keep saying yes.
- Any yes is good enough.
- When people start to say no they become defensive making it more difficult to start saying yes again.
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Let the other person do most of the talking
"If you want enemies, excel your friends. If you want friends, let them excel you."
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Let the other person feel the idea is their own
Ask people for their (expert) opinion on something so you can give them exactly what they want.
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"The sage, wishing to be above men, puts himself below them; wishing to be before them puts himself behind them."
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Appeal to nobler motives
People normally have two reasons for doing something - one that sounds good, and the real one.
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Throw down a challenge
- Inspire people by stimulating competition.
- People value what they earn.
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If you must find fault, begin with praise and honest appreciation.
It is easier to receive complaints after hearing about our good points.
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Call attention to peoples' mistakes indirectly
Don't say "but", say "and", e.g. don't say:
"We're proud of you but you should work harder"
Say:
"We're proud of you and if you keep working you'll do even better"
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Talk about your own mistakes before criticising others
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Ask questions instead of giving orders
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Let the other person save face
- It's probably someone's lack of experience rather than their lack of ability that's the problem.
- It's not what I think of someone that's important, but what they think of themselves.
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Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
- Praise is like sunlight for our souls.
- It's better to praise something someone has done rather than what they are through birth.
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Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
- If you want someone to have a particular virtue, act like they already have it.
- Make mistakes seem easy to correct, like they have an undeveloped natural talent for something.
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Make people feel happy to do what you want.
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