What are the 9 Traps of Unconscious Loving?
- I let people get away with destructive behavior
- I form relationships with people who let me get away with destructive patterns
- I am in a relationship which resembles my parents' relationship
- I form relationships with people whose personalities and behavior resemble that of one or both of my parents
- Out of reaction to parental relationships, I create relationships that are the opposite of my parents'
- Out of childhood trauma a pattern is generated, and I play out that pattern repeatedly in my relationships
- I participate in continual conflict in my relationships, or I avoid conflict at all costs
- With the possibility of success at hand, I mess up
- Because I have never learned true independence, I create relationships in which I perpetuate dependence
What are the 7 Steps to Co-Commitment?
- Learning to Love Yourself
- Learning to Feel
- Claiming Creativity
- Learning to Tell the Microscopic Truth
- Keeping Your Agreements
- Learning to Live in a State of Continuous Positive Energy
What are the 6 specific ways to demonstrate the Co-Commitment Step of Commitment?
- To full closeness
- To revealing myself fully
- To my own development
- To the full empowerment of those around me
- To act as 100 percent the source of my reality
- To having a good time in relationships
What are the 9 ways to support Learning to Feel as a step of Co-Commitment?
- Give yourself permission to feel
- Be with your feelings
- Locate your feelings in your body
- Learn the core feelings (sadness, joy, fear, excitement, anger and sexual feelings)
- Separate your feelings from your parents' feelings
- Learn that you can feel without acting on your feelings
- Let yourself and others go through complete energy cycles
- Give yourself time
- Figure out what you want
What is Claiming Creativity?
- Claiming creativity is the act of taking 100 percent responsibility for creating things the way they are.
- It is when you switch from being a victim to being the source of what is happening to you.
- To look for fault is to slip into victimhood.
What is Projection?
- Projection is the act of denying that you are creating the experience you are having.
- Look into any struggle and you will find projection.
What are the two forms of projection?
- The most common form of projection is seeing in someone else a feeling that is actually going on in you.
- Another form of projection is to attribute to an external source something that is actually an internal process. (e.g. "he made me mad")
What is the way out of Projection?
- The only way out is through claiming 100 percent responsibility for creating everything that goes on in the relationship - the negative and the positive.
- The question becomes: How am I creating this conflict, and how can I give and receive more positive energy?
What is some information regarding Telling the Microscopic Truth? (6)
- The truth is most likely to be a clear statement of feeling, of body sensation or of what you actually did. (e.g. "I'm scared," "My shoulders feel tight as you talk," or "I talked to my ex-wife today.")
- It is reporting what is.
- Truth is that which absolutely cannot be argued about.
- Telling the truth just to communicate your internal experience is the only intention that is freeing.
- Withholding the truth is a form of lying.
- Be very suspicious when you hear yourself making definite cause-and-effect statements.
When Learning to Tell the Microscopic Truth be aware of what disguised intentions? (4)
- Justifying a position: "I had so much to do today that I just couldn't ___."
- Blaming: "It wouldn't have happened if I'd had a little help around here."
- Being a victim: "It's all right, I'll finish the dishes."
- Seeking approval: "I'd like to wear this dress, but I think it makes me look fat. What do you think?"
What are the 6 Co-Committed Communication Skills?
- Make statements instead of asking questions
- Say "I" instead of "You"
- Empower instead of rescue
- Don't use negatives unless they are true
- No Redefining
- No Devaluing
What is the definition of rescuing (vs. empowering)?
Rescuing is when you interfere with people's power by doing something for them that they ought to do for themselves.
What is the definition of redefining?
Redefining is when a person does not respond directly to what another person has said, but instead changes the subject to fit his or her agenda.
What are the two forms of devaluing?
- Interrupting people while they are speaking