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Opening of Act 2
Hi everyone. I'm really glad so many of you showed up today, but I do have to let you know that due to our fire regulations, no-one can stand in the aisles. Basically, if you don't have a seat, you can't watch the show. Sorry... but hey! We turned away over a hundred people for today's broadcast, so count yourselves lucky!
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STEPHEN: Hi everyone. I'm really glad so many of you showed up today, but I do have to let you know that due to our fire regulations, no-one can stand in the aisles. Basically, if you don't have a seat, you can't watch the show. Sorry... but hey! We turned away over a hundred people for today's broadcast, so count yourselves lucky!
Mrs. H., let George sit beside you... I can't help it if he smells like mothballs. Deal with it.
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STEPHEN: Mrs. H., let George sit beside you... I can't help it if he smells like mothballs. Deal with it.
Now - I know that most of you are here because, last week, I found out that I have a birth mother called Isobel, a real Mom called Dolly, a Dad named Larry who adopted me knowing he was really my Dad but kept it a secret from Dolly and me until Isobel decided to blurt it out on live TV, and now the show is a huge hit and my life is the main topic of discussion around every water cooler within broadcast range, which makes me very, very happy.
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STEPHEN: and now the show is a huge hit and my life is the main topic of discussion around every water cooler within broadcast range, which makes me very, very happy. [Roberta sticks a nicorette package on me and gives the one minute sign.]
That's one minute to air. Excuse me, folks - be right back... [Knock on dressing room two] One minute, Ma!
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STEPHEN: [Knock on dressing room two] One minute, Ma!
DOLLY: All right, Stephen darling!
[Knock on dressing room two] One minute... Ma.
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STEPHEN: [Knock on dressing room two] One minute... Ma.
ISOBEL: Thank you, sweetheart!
So... watch for the sign and when it lights up, applaud or cheer or... do whatever the hell you want... In five... four... three... two... cue music! Today's sponsors are the Stirling Creamery, Center Lane Cadillac, and Le Maison de Beouf, where you'll never get a bum steer.
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[Dolly and Isobel arguing over each other, ending with:]
DOLLY: while I'm left doing all the world around here, You never lift a hand...
ISOBEL: never had a meal there in your life, you cheapskate...
Ladies!? Viewer mail?
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DOLLY: Well, that, too, but I thought it would be more interesting if we included family photos! You know, of Stephen growing up and everything. People seem to be interested in that.
Ma...
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ISOBEL: Ha! You know perfectly well I wasn't around when Stephen was growing up.
DOLLY: And whose fault is that?
Ma...
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ISOBEL: Don't you dare complain to me. You know I always arrive first, so it's only right...
All right!!! Sorry... Get on with it.
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ISOBEL: We can discuss the cookbook later.
DOLLY: You bet your ass...paragus we will.
Letter number two!
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DOLLY: And look - she's listed her home phone, work phone, cell phone, fax number and e-mail address. Isn't that sweet?
ISOBEL: Here, Stephen dear. You keep this somewhere handy.
Oh, I really don't think...
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STEPHEN: Oh, I really don't think...
DOLLY: You know what they say - you can never have too many friends!
But you can have way too many mothers!
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STEPHEN: But you can have way too many mothers!
ISOBEL: Say thank you to Jane for her nice letter, dear.
Thank you, Jane.
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STEPHEN: Thank you, Jane.
ISOBEL: And you'll give her a call sometime?
I'll think about it. Let's get cooking now, okay?
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ISOBEL: You said it, I didn't.
DOLLY: I've had about enough of you calling me a ... ah!
Ma? [Step over to her.]
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ISOBEL: Nonsense! If you didn't drink constantly, you wouldn't have all these digestive upsets!
Isobel, please! Are you all right to continue, Ma?
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STEPHEN: Isobel, please! Are you all right to continue, Ma?
DOLLY: Of course! Just tell her to keep a civil tongue in her head.
All right - it's time to invite our special guest up onto the stage for our Kitchen Witches Quickies segment!
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ISOBEL: You know, folks, we can't have a cooking contest without someone to decide the winner!
DOLLY: Stephen - do you have the name of today's celebreity judge?
I do indeed! Would you please come up and join us in the kitchen... [insert name here]!
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DOLLY/ISOBEL: You stand right here... [ad libbed... continue when the guest is ready]
I will now reveal today's Kitchen Witches Quickies challenge... In two minutes or less, you must make as many dishes as you can using items all related to... our favorite dinner course... dessert!
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STEPHEN: In two minutes or less, you must make as many dishes as you can using items all related to... our favorite dinner course... dessert!
DOLLY: Ooo! Yummy!
ISOBEL: Excellent!
Are you ready, witch Dolly?
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STEPHEN: Are you ready, witch Dolly?
DOLLY: Ready!
Ready, witch Izzy?
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STEPHEN: Ready, witch Izzy?
ISOBEL: Ready!
Ready celebrity Judge! [Ad lib based on resonse]. Then upon your mark... get set... go!
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STEPHEN: Ready celebrity Judge! [Ad lib based on resonse]. Then upon your mark... get set... go!
[Ad lib race horse announcer voice describing the frantic goings on in the kitchen. Then when Dolly takes the orange juice.] ...wait a minute! Dolly has taken the orange juice from Isobel's counter! [blow whistle] A one-ingredien foul! Isobel ponders... what will she take from Dolly's side... the milk! She has taken the milk and is adding it to the dry ingredients in the saucepan! Dolly is not pleased with that, she may have to change some plans... and... TIME'S UP.
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STEPHEN: Dolly is not pleased with that, she may have to change some plans... and... TIME'S UP.
Now, let's have our ladies describe waht they've created for our celebrity judge! Dolly!
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DOLLY: First, my summer-sweet fruit tarts, followed by my exotic Mexican-inspired dessert tacos and of course, some melt-in-your-mouth bourbon balls!
Isobel?
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ISOBEL: I have a classic strawberry shortcake, yummy coconut macaroons and for the kids, Flipz and Dips!
Celebirty judge, you have 10 seconds to pick your winner. You must judge on appearance, variety, color, and of course, taste!
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[After the judge gets food shoved in his mouth.]
And now, it's time for our judge's decision. You cannot pick both ladies - just one! So who will it be, celebrity judge?
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DOLLY or ISOBEL: And here is your prize package, which includes a one-night stay at the Bide-a-Wee Inn and dinner for two at La Maison de Boeuf...
[With everyone] Where you never get a bum steer! [Ad lib to fill as judge returns to seat.] Now we're ust going to take a quick break for our Community Service announcements, then back for the wrap-up of today's show!
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STEPHEN: Now we're ust going to take a quick break for our Community Service announcements, then back for the wrap-up of today's show!
DOLLY: Don't change that channel!
BOTH: See you in a witchy minute!
And... we're clear!
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[DOLLY moans in pain]
ISOBEL: Oh, will you stop being such a drama queen!
Ma, there's enough Gas-X, Pepto-Bismol, and Tums in your dressing room to settle a Mexican bean-eating contest. Go take soemthing - I'll come get you before we go back live.
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ISOBEL: Hey! That's my dressing room! Great. Now we'll have to get it fumigated.
[Start cleaning the set.]
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ISOBEL: I think Kitchen Quickies is going to be a great regular feature on the show, don't you?
I guess.
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STEPHEN: I guess.
ISOBEL: I thought it went really well today.
Sure did.
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ISOBEL: And with the music galloping along like that... It's a real adrenaline rush!
Must be.
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STEPHEN: Must be.
ISOBEL: Stephen, are you ever going to speak to me in full sentences?
What?
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ISOBEL: It's been a whole week since... well, since I dropped my littel bombshell, and we've never really talkked about it.
What is there to say?
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STEPHEN: What is there to say?
ISOBEL: I would think you'd be curious about...
About what happened thirty-odd years ago?
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STEPHEN: About what happened thirty-odd years ago?
ISOBEL: Well... yes.
Well, I'm not.
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STEPHEN: Well, I'm not.
ISOBEL: I just thought...
Isobel, I like you. You're an interesting lady. And I'm sure you had your reasons for... for doing what you did, but it's ancient history, and I'm totally fine with that.
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STEPHEN: And I'm sure you had your reasons for... for doing what you did, but it's ancient history, and I'm totally fine with that.
ISOBEL: Really?
Really.
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STEPHEN: Really.
ISOBEL: Okay... but if you ever change your mind...
[Roberta gives the 1 minute signal.]
One minute, Izzy.
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STEPHEN: One minute, Izzy.
ISOBEL: Thanks.
[Knock on dressing room one.] One minute, Ma! ... Ma? [Open door.] Roberta, call an ambulance!
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STEPHEN: Roberta, call an ambulance!
ISOBEL: What's wrong?
Just call an ambulance - hurry! [Exit into dressing room.]
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