VLI: Leader's Self Understanding and Spiritual Formation Lecture 1

Resonant Leader: connect to others' needs (synchrony) and engage others (have a postive emotional tone).

Demagogue Leader: connect to others' needs (synchrony) and can't engage others (have a negative emotional tone).

Clueless Leader: no connection with others' needs but can engage others (have a positive emotional tone).

Dissonant Leader: no connection with others' needs and no engaging with others (negative emotional tone).

• IQ (Intelligence Quotient) = Intellectual Abilities
• EQ (Emotional Quotient) = Emotional Intelligence (EI)

• Emotional Intelligence (defined)
• “The capacity for recognizing our own emotions and those of others, for motivating ourselves and
• others, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.”

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Emotional intelligence (EI), the capacity to fully engage oneself and others to move a church forward, is the differentiating factor between great and average leaders.

The good news is that EI is not a genetic trait; it can be developed.

Coaching is helping another person make progress on their intentional change

It's NOT...projecting, mentoring, problem solving, or a tool.

Coaching is a subset of a larger category of helping relationships such as pastoral counsel, mentoring, counseling, therapy, etc.

Empathy & Social Awareness– sensitive to & caring for the “other person”

Emotional Self - Awareness– focusing and managing projections

Pattern recognition– tap into the “streams” and “connecting the dots”

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• PEA:NEA 4:1 Ratio—when coaching, we should give people a ratio of 4 positive comments for
• every one negative comment.

• PEA:NEA (13):1 Ratio— when coaching, if we give people a ratio of 13 or more positive
• comments for every one negative comment, they will not believe us.

Explains why approaches that aim at desired outcome (i.e.,correction or change) oftenfail.

• Forms the guiding principles for “Strength Finder” books
• Start with and focus on talents, gifts and strengths
• OK to be adequate in that which is not strength

• Best Approach for Coaching: Start with PEA’s (things that are positive) and move to NEA’s
• (things that are negative), cycling back to PEA’s as the anchor. The goal is to couple reality
• (the “Real Self”) with positive emotional attractors PEA’s (the “Ideal Self”).

Personal vision, passions, values contentment, satisfaction, energized?

Highpoints of life?

Things to accomplish before dying?

“Dream” jobs?

15 Years from now?

Legacy questions (backdoor to vision)

Critical incident or time when person felt most effective, energized, etc.?

Can it be better seen in a different context?

What would you do differently? (Caution if person has lots of regrets)

Your Ideal Self could be related to your strengths or talents

• “Discover Your Strengths”, “Strength-Finder 2.0” and “Strength-Based Leadership” books and Internet tests

Remember, questions and worksheets are means to an end, and NOT the end

The Ideal Self evolves overtime

Age factor

• Impacted by life situations, family, health, wake-up calls, etc.
• Converges with what God created you to be through a process of transformation

When coaching a person, avoid the impulse to move too quickly to the Real Self (Discovery #2) or Planning (Discovery #3) – STAY with the Ideal Self for a time

• Why? The Ideal Self – thinking about the person God made you to be, the person that energizes you—creates positive emotional energy for addressing the Real
• Self and for change.

• Clarity often increases as we age.

• The Ideal Self is what you dream about when walking down the street, what
• you’re animated and energized by; it is often hidden

• The Ought Self is characterized by words like “should” or “ought,” which engage the Right Frontal Cortex (performance center) rather than the Left Frontal
• Cortex (animation & emotional center)

The Ought Self can create a tension for Christians in understanding their calling

The Ought Self is not typically energizing but often “jumps out.”

• Often seen in person’s body language.

Recognizing who we are right now—the Real Self

• Difficult because:
• Gaps and Weaknesses are frightening to admit.
• It’ s hard to get good feedback.
• We don’t enjoy, so we don’t seek feedback

360° EI Assessments assist us to discern our current levels of Emotional Intelligence competencies

• 360° Assessments (360’s)
• Formal – Hay Group © Emotional and Social Competency Inventory (ESCI) @ $250, with feedback from an accredited coach
• Informal – Asking questions to get at the competencies in the Emotional Intelligence
• Competencies Grid

• Two Parts
• - Our own assessment of our EI
• - Other’s assessment of our EI – manager, pastor or leader, peers, friends, spouse

• Why 360’s?
• – Helps us avoid self-deception, positive or negative
• – “Wake-up Call” – sometimes surprises us into action (while at other times confirms what we suspected)
• – Humility factor
• – Being resonant or “in tune” is NOT just what I think

• Thinking about the Results of 360’s
• Balanced focus on Strengths & Gaps – remember the PEA:NEA 4:1 ratio
• Allow time to pray over and understand before engaging coach or supporting relationship